Where's the Axe? Time to Take Off My Makeup

Hey, I'm dying to get an answer to a question men all over the world have been pondering for ages. I've never talked to a guy who can answer this, so I'll leave it up to the womenfolk. Now, let me say before I ask this slighty touchy question that there is no way every woman out there can answer it. Some women, such as my wife, are just as perplexed as all of us men are. So, if you're not one of those ladies who knows the answer, maybe you can sit back in a comfortable chair and wait with me and the guys to see if a reasonable answer comes back from this.

Here goes... Why is it that when many (not all) females decide to start wearing makeup it seems to get thicker...and thicker...and thicker...and THICKER.... Until after some time it is hard to recognize the woman underneath it. Now, this process, in my observation, can be rapid or have a very slow onset. The rapid ones I really don't understand. The ones that start slowly and take years to build up I can understand. It's like back when I was chubby. It happened slowly, ever so slowly. I was wearing size 32 Levi's, feeling all fit and trim, and then they turned to 33's, then 34's, but it was over years. I saw myself in the mirror most every day, and it was so gradual I didn't notice it until WHAM I see a photo someone took of me and realize I was the size of the Notre Dame, and not nearly as pretty.

So as I say, I can almost understand how it happens that over a number of years a little dab of eye shadow here, a little bit of lipstick there, a smidgen of cheek rouge there ends up looking like it will have to be removed with an axe...or even a chainsaw. It's the ladies who go from the little bit to the slab so thick if you peeled it all off at once it would resemble a buffalo hide that get me.

What's the answer? There is a little secret that men should not be keeping a secret. Most men detest mounds of makeup on their ladies. Most women look so much better with less makeup than with more. It isn't just me who feels this way. I have discussed this topic with many a guy over the years, and never, not one single time, have I found a guy who feels a lady with tons of eye makeup, lipstick, rouge, or--I'll just throw this one in while I'm at it--gaudily painted fingernails two inches long, looks better that way. Sure, a little makeup can sometimes do wonders. I'm not contesting that. But when the chain on the chainsaw stops spinning, when you slap the axe back in the chopping block as you get ready for bed, if your family is calling 911 about an intruder because they don't know it's you, then I'm thinking there's a problem.

Incidentally, there is a sister problem, too, and that is the whole perfume thing. If it smells like you washed your hair in it, soaked your clothes in it, or gargled it, it's probably too strong. Same phenomenon. I'm sure no sane woman ever set out to smell like a perfume factory. It's just that over time they have killed their olfactory senses, or at least damaged them to the point that a dab just isn't as good as a quart of Night Passion, Fruit Sensation, Daring Tryst, or whatever they call those perfumes nowadays.

Well... Anyway, I've been pondering these things for a good part of my life now, and I finally decided to pose the questions to those who might know. Unfortunately, as I think about it, if it's like the chubby Kirby phenomenon, those of you with the slabs of makeup and the perfume that can be smelled two blocks before you are in sight, you probably don't even know I'm talking about you!